It’s been one full month since I have been out of school for the summer. I rushed into summer with a load of expectations:
Have a garage sale, check!
Workout more, check!
Build in time for writing…kind-of check!
Publish two blogs a month…uh…
Create a new Summer Memory Plan…memory, what?!
As I am sitting here trying to figure out what to write for my readers, I am simply just writing to myself and asking,
How can I continue to show up for this when I feel like I have nothing to show for?
I have to start with the ultimate lie I kept believing about myself: that if I am not accomplishing something I can put on display then I am disqualified from contributing to the conversation. Meaning, I need a visual platform first in order for people to actually hear me or take me seriously. Which leads me to chase the rabbit down the Instagram-hole or I focus too much on what my website looks like instead of actually doing the work I am called to “show up” to and that is writing.
So how do I keep showing up when I feel like there is nothing to show for?
I need to remember that I am not showing up for Instagram or Facebook or even my blog. I am showing up to myself. I am showing up to write and research and read and develop my thoughts. Eventually I want those thoughts out there but for now, they are hanging out in the wine barrel because they need some time to age.
I am able to show up simply because I am committed to doing so. I have set the schedule and regardless of how many times I try to renegotiate my own terms of this commitment, I have left very little room for compromise. I have experienced my life pass before my eyes while comfortably sprawled on the couch and that is no longer an option for me.
Which leads me to the third thing that keeps me showing up:
I give myself permission for it to be messy. Showing up to our passions whether it be writing or art or speaking or organizing or whatever, it’s not a clear-cut, 10-step program. It’s messy, imperfect, always in progress and never truly finished. I have to be okay with this or it will be my one-way ticket back to the couch.
So here I am. I have very little to show for but I am still showing up. It’s scary. It makes me feel vulnerable and fraudulent but I here, sitting at my desk:
Sweatpants, hair undone, second cup of coffee… and go!
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